Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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