It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
