A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
