dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
