if we break up, who will get the dealer?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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