Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
