She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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