Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
