he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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