my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
