You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
