So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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