i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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