We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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