dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
