she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
