His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
