Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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