so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
