my shit smells like andre
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
FUCK WHALES
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