Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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