Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Randomize
