Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
