There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
