That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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