I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
