when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
