I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Randomize
