I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
