But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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