I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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