He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Randomize
