So drunk its hurt
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
