I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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