it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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