My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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