Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Just puked most of my soul out..
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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