He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
