so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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