The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
