just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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