I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
