The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
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