My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
