I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
My day in three words: secret purse cake
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
