When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
