the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
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