I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
