Will you blow on my dice?
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Randomize
