I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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