im gay
i know
yea but for you.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
