he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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