Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize