My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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