I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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