I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize