Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
