I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
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