new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
