Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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