I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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