Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
