i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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