can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
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