Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Can Purell be used as lube?
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
