Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
