We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
