I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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