Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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