At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
