oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I just googled if crying burns calories
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize