He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
if i can run in heels then i can drive
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
