Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Randomize
